Mummies Milk & Cookies

by David J. Nielsen

MOM PICTURES

Boogansville County was a Good place if you Perceived it as Such. Jack Mitchell had found a Couple of Mummies who Lived in a Broom Closet on the Outskirts of Boogansville City. Jack Mitchell helped the Mummies Relocate to a Dumpster near Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House. Jack Mitchell liked to to have Tea and Hot Chocolate with the Mummies. When friends came to Visit Jack Mitchell at his House, they brought Beer. Some Times they brought Whiskey. Jack Mitchell owned a Sea Lion. He liked to set the Sea Lion on fire. His Friends liked to dump their Beer and Whiskey on the Sea Lion’s head while it Burned. Jack Mitchell was Disgusted by this Practice. Sometimes Jack Mitchell’s "Friends" brought Naughty Girls over to his House. Jack Mitchell always liked to Sneak away to the Dumpster and Join his Mummy Friends under the Park for Mummies Milk and Cookies. Drinking the Mummies Milk and Eating Cookies had been a Mummy Custom for more than 2000 years.

Jack Mitchell liked to visit Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House on his Way to the Dumpster. Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House was the First Civilized thing Ever Built in Boogansville. Captain John Smith’s Necessary House commanded the Respect of all who came to Glory in its Usage. Captain John Smith’s Necessary House was a Giant Wood and Cement Bust of Cap’n John Smith’s Head. Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House was a depiction of Cap’n John Smith Chomping his Teeth. Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House could accommodate 20 people at any Time. Patrons had to climb up Cap’n Smith’s Chin hairs to get inside. Cap’n Smiths eyes rolled back in his head when you Flushed. His massive Brain housed a Great Quantity of Matter. Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House accepted the Matter as Payment for Services Rendered. Jack Mitchell made use of Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House after he Visited the Mummies. Jack Mitchell found Cap’n John Smith in Cap’n John Smith’s Necessary House. They had a nice Quiet Shat together in the Hot humid Dark.

Jack Mitchell dipped his Privates in Icewater every Morning. The Wolfman dipped his Privates in Icewater because it got him off. George Washington did it once and it made his Head Catch on Fire. George Washington was extremely Sober and Indignant. His Sobriety and Indignance had led him to Dip his Privates in the Icewater. His Sober Face was Shrouded in Indignant Flames over the Bucket.

George Washington came into Captain John Smith’s Necessary House with his Mother’s Coffee Thermos and a piece of Pie. George Washington had Ham on his Head. George Washington showed Jack Mitchell some Dirty Pictures he’d drawn. Of his Mother. Jack Mitchell decided to have the Dirty Pictures Printed in the Boogansville Gazette. Jack Mitchell sent them to Dale Manigold for that Purpose. When the Pictures were complained of at the Next County Court, Jack Mitchell dismissed the Complaint as Frivolous. Then Jack Mitchell Dismissed himself at the Necessary House with the Help of the Dirty Pictures. He did this in accordance with an Act of Assembly in that Case Provided. George Washington came out the Back Door of Captain John Smith’s Necessary House. Cap’n Smith kept saying, "Shiver me Timbers!" to George Washington now.

GEORGE Washington: Why don’t you Fuck Off?

George Washington said.

WHITE MOUSTACHE

George Washington hid in a Dumpster. Mother Washington was Angry with George Washington for Running off with her Pie and her Coffee with the Ham on his Head. Mother Washington searched Everywhere for her child. She could not find him. George Washington stood in the Trash of the Dumpster. He sat down in the Garbage and found a stack of Hay. The hay had three distinct Divits in it. The hay smiled up at George Washington. George Washington went into the Hay and dug around. The haystack cooed and shook. George Washington found a Stairwell at the bottom of the dumpster. He came down the Stairwell. It was very dark and damp. George Washington discovered a room at the Bottom of the Stairs Below the Dumpster. George Washington entered the Room. He found two Mummy Sarcophagi here. There was a slow Drip from the Dumpster above. The two Mummy Sarcophagi opened for George Washington. Their Mummy residents came out. They reached for George Washington with icky bandaged arms. It was apparent they wished to hug, and they bid him, "Do not be Frightened." The Mummies hugged George Washington well in their little Mummy Chamber. Then they had Tea at their little Mummy Tea table. The Mummies called their tea Red Zinger. It was Quite red. It was thick and bitter. The Mummies made Pleasant Conversation with George Washington. George Washington did maintain his manners very well in their Presence. The Mummies drank their Red Tea. The Red Tea leaked all over the bandages around their Mummy mouths and faces. They did not seem to mind. The Mummies tried to make George Washington drink the Tea. George Washington refused. He drank some of the Coffee from his mother's Thermos. He drank it without milk or Sugar. The Mummies finished their tea. George Washington put away the rest of his Coffee. He and the Mummies enjoyed a Plate of good brand name Cookies. George Washington took some Pie from his pocket and shared it with the Mummies. He let them take some of the Ham from his Shiny head. The Mummies wore the Ham on their own Bandaged ones. The Mummies thanked George Washington for the Ham. George Washington told the Mummies they were welcome to Eat the ham, but they said they did not Choose to eat it because they were Vegetarians. The Mummies found it easier to eat the Cookies than the pie. They slipped the cookies through the Folds of their bandages with very little mess. The Pie smeared all over their Heads when they tried to Gulp some of it down. The Mummies played a Song for George Washington. The Entertainment was Complete. The Mummies made George Washington Promise to return for further refreshment. They went back into their Mummy Sarcophagi to Tidy themselves. George Washington left the Dumpster and a Big Garbage Truck came over and Drank all of its Contents Greedily. George Washington was met here by How Now Brown Cow when the Garbage Truck Drove off. George Washington tied How Now Brown Cow to the Train Tracks and left her there. He only went a Short Distance before Mother Washington saw him with her Thermos of Coffee. Now she was Angry at George Washington because he had Drawn Dirty Pictures of her, and they had been Printed in the Newspaper. She got back in her Pick-Up Truck and Chased him with it. Jack Mitchell’s Hands and Feet were Bound together with Panty Hose in the Bed of the Pick-Up Truck. He had a Rag stuck in his Mouth. Mother Washington was Going to tie Jack Mitchell to the Train Tracks. Mother Washington drove the Pick-Up Truck into a Ditch on Accident. She Followed George Washington through the Woods, but Mother Washington could not catch George Washington because Baby Mildred clung Heavily to her breast.

The Sun began to Set. The Wolfman passed How Now Brown Cow. She was Still tied to the Train Tracks. He had his Frying Pan. How Now Brown Cow asked the Wolfman to Untie her. The Wolfman decided he should Cook and Eat How Now Brown Cow. He told How Now Brown Cow that he would set her Free if she would First let him Properly Milk her Udder.

WOLFMAN: Give me a White Moustache.

This was agreed to and done. How Now Brown Cow was Deeply Satisfied by it in a Humiliating way. The Wolfman was Refreshed with a White Moustache. The Wolfman smoked a Cigarette. The Wolfman wasn’t Hungry after all. He Decided to go Buy a Dirty Magazine. He left How Now Brown Cow alone on the Train Tracks. She had been Fooled yet Again. How Now Brown Cow felt Disgusting. She had Placed her Udder in the Gross Flea-bitten Paws of the Wolfman, and the Wolfman was, by Nature, a Pervert. The Sun sank to the Ground and found its way onto a Paper Plate in the Dark.

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