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How to Feel Safe in the Suburbs |
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SETTING: JANET and HANK'S sterile kitchen in their three-bedroom, two bath home in a gated community in an affluent Western suburb of Chicago, Illinois. Monday morning, 7AM. The room is controlled, like a kitchen set on a gourmet cooking show, or a model kitchen in a high-end appliance store. Two pieces of furniture—a high-end stove and a round, solid wood table for dominate the space. Atop the table rests a cardboard storage box labeled 'misc' with a dusty old gas mask peeking out from the top. Upstage left, the door that leads to the outside is barricaded with a wooden board and secured with four locks. AT RISE: The stage is dark. Either no windows exist in this artificial space, or they are hidden by heavy blinds shutting out any hint of the exterior world. JANET tiptoes cautiously into the kitchen as if to surprise a would-be thief. She wields an umbrella in self-defense, managing to maintain the grace of a former beauty pageant contestant who has spent a lifetime balancing books on her head. JANET Hello? Who's there? My husband's upstairs and he has a gun! Don't even think about trying anything. Hello? Who's there?! She lunges for the light switch, flicks it on and jumps into an attack position pointing her umbrella, which accidentally opens. Her eyes dart around the room and upon the realization that no one is actually in her kitchen, she exhales a sigh of relief. HANK enters tying his tie as he walks, looking every bit the part of the corporate marketing executive, and the opposite of a man who would actually keep a gun upstairs. He stops as he sees JANET who quickly collapses the umbrella and attempts to act 'normal'. JANET I heard a noise. It was nothing, I guess. Anyway... HANK Janet... JANET What? You were in the shower. I heard a noise. HANK Don't you know it's bad luck to open an umbrella inside? JANET I was gonna make muffins. She sets the umbrella down. HANK I don't have time for muffins. I've got an early meeting. JANET Are you sure? It won't take long. I'll make lemon poppy seed. HANK Janet… I don't like lemon poppy seed, okay? JANET What do you mean? HANK I detest lemon poppy seed anything...especially muffins. JANET I don't understand. HANK I don't like them, all right? The very thought of them makes me feel nauseous. Like right now, for example. I feel like I could vomit any second. HANK puts his hand on his stomach. JANET You don't look well, honey. Maybe you're sick. JANET approaches HANK. Puts her hand to his forehead. HANK No. I just don't like lemon poppy seed muffins. JANET Okay, okay. I just…I never knew. I guess I'll just bring them to work with me… share them with the other librarians. They're always asking me to make them, anyway. HANK Where's my briefcase? JANET I'll get it. JANET goes to the oven and removes the briefcase. HANK watches in disbelief. JANET Well, Hank you just leave it right out in the open as an invitation to any burglar. Your laptop's in there, important documents… the oven is the last place they'd look. HANK Janet… never mind. I'm just glad you didn't accidentally bake it. I'm late. JANET hands HANK the briefcase. HANK takes it and rushes to the door where he's faced with several locks and barricades. HANK Damn it! JANET Here. JANET rushes over to help HANK with the locks. HANK Too many locks, Janet! JANET You can never be too safe. HANK Janet, I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own home. JANET stops unlocking the door to face HANK. JANET Would you rather I invite all the criminals in? HANK This is a safe neighborhood. JANET On the surface, maybe. HANK You have an overactive imagination. JANET Didn't you say you were late? JANET unlocks the last lock and flings the door open. HANK escapes through it. JANET watches him leave. JANET (to herself) No kiss. JANET closes the door and locks it all up with the determination of a prison guard. The phone rings. JANET answers it. JANET Hello? Oh. Already? Yes, let him in. Oh, tell him to use the side door, please. JANET hangs up and is suddenly conscious of appearances. She goes to the oven and removes her purse. She turns the oven on, then fishes for a compact and lipstick, which she applies. JANET retrieves the two trays of unbaked muffins from atop the stove and places them in the oven to bake. A knock is heard at the door. JANET Just a minute! JANET rushes to the door, hurrying to unlock it. She flings the door open to greet RANDY HICKS—a short, dumpy, balding man. He puffs his chest out and rises up on his toes to create the illusion of altitude. JANET Hello. Welcome. RANDY carries a small duffle & clipboard and slips in past JANET. She stares, dismayed, at him for a second before slamming the door and locking it back up again. RANDY sets his duffle on the table and walks the circumference of the kitchen, keeping his back to the wall. He looks up down and all around. RANDY I'm early. I know. JANET Quite. I didn't expect you so soon. But, it's perfectly all right. The sooner the better. RANDY It was intentional. JANET Well, I'm just glad you found it without problems, I hope? I knew it was you because the guard called... from the gate. If you're wondering do I normally just let strange men into my kitchen, the answer is no. I expected you. Maybe not this early, but I didn't expect anyone else. I suppose you could have been followed by someone else. That is a possibility. Someone could have snuck in behind you, yes. But, I'm sure the guard would have noticed and called me. He would've called to warn me if you had been someone else. Other than you. That is his job, after all. So, I'm thinking all these possibilities through, you see? You don't have to worry about me being naïve. But, I suppose the smart thing would be for me to check your I.D. That's what you would have me do, I'm sure. So, do you? Have I.D.? RANDY removes his wallet from his back pocket and hands it to JANET. JANET Randy Hicks. Yep, that's you. Not a bad picture. You photograph well. JANET hands the wallet back to RANDY who takes it and slips it back into the pocket. JANET Please, sit down. RANDY rises up to his toes, and eyes JANET. JANET Please. RANDY Shhh. JANET What? Do you hear something? RANDY Are we alone? JANET Yes, yes we are. My husband just left for work. He had an early meeting and left in a rush without eating breakfast or drinking coffee or kissing his wife goodbye. So, yes… we're alone. Why do you ask? Do you sense someone else here? Do you want to check the house to make sure? I did hear a noise earlier. It seemed to be nothing, though. Is that just a standard question you ask? RANDY Shhh. Listen. JANET What? Do you hear something? (JANET stops to listen.) RANDY Hear that? JANET What? RANDY Silence. JANET Oh. (JANET laughs at herself, embarrassed.) JANET I'm so sorry. I was rambling, wasn't I? When I'm nervous I just start talking and can't stop. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I think it's because you represent an authority figure or something and I've always been nervous around authority figures for some reason. I'm sure it has something to do with some incident from my childhood that I can't remember. Some buried memory. RANDY pulls out a chair and sits on it backwards. JANET sits as well. JANET Anyway, I ramble I guess because I'm more comfortable with a constant flow of noise, which is strange since I'm a librarian, you know? The library is the quintessential quiet place. But, I don't ever have a problem being quiet there… maybe because at the library, I am the authority figure. That must be it. Anyway, the rambling... it's a problem. Hank, my husband, calls me 'Motor Mouth.' That's his nickname for me. Not very romantic, is it? RANDY clears his throat. JANET Oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I? Okay. I'm stopping. Now. I talk a lot, don't I? RANDY More than a P.O.W. with a bazooka at his temple and a knife at his throat. JANET Pardon? RANDY Yes, you talk a lot. JANET I know. I'm sorry. I'll just try to pretend like this is the library. Maybe that will help. RANDY Since you're in the talking mood, let's talk about why you hired me. JANET Oh, okay. Well, it's like I told you on the phone. I don't feel safe. And I don't really know what to do about it. RANDY Can you be more specific? Did something happen, I mean, to make you feel unsafe? JANET You mean like was I threatened by someone or robbed or attacked? RANDY Were you? JANET No. RANDY Okay. JANET But I'm afraid I will be. RANDY Threatened, robbed or attacked? JANET All three. Or blown up, kidnapped, left alone to die… RANDY I see. Why, exactly? JANET I don't know… I don't know why I'm so afraid, I just am. But it's everything, really. It's like being in a pitch-black room. You know? I could be in the attic, for example, with the lights on and search the whole room- under the sofa, in the closets, behind the stacks of boxes… I could be positive that no one is there. But once I switch the lights off and the room is swallowed by darkness, I become terrified. I can't see anything. I know rationally that no one else is in the room because I just searched it myself, but as soon as the lights go out and I'm standing there in complete darkness, I'm absolutely paralyzed by fear. My heart starts going like a jackhammer, and I know like it's the truth that I'm about to be attacked. I feel so incredibly close to death, or even worse, pain. I eventually feel my way through the darkness to the light switch. And it's not until then, that the lights are on and I can see that no one else is there that my heart begins to slow back down to normal. (A beat.) I just feel so unprepared. I want to be prepared for when something really horrible happens and I don't know how to do that myself. See, I'm a librarian. I know books. I'm an expert researcher. I can help you research any subject. Any subject on earth. But, I don't have a clue as to how to feel safe in dangerous times like these. You're the security expert. You can help me feel safe, right? RANDY I'm more than just a security expert, ma'am. JANET Yes, of course. I didn't mean to make you sound less important than you are-- RANDY I'm a former Navy Seal, for starters. JANET I read that on your flyer. I was impressed by your credentials, which is why-- RANDY I was the lead Secret Service Agent to President Clinton. Took a bullet for him. JANET My goodness. Unbelievable. I had no idea. I had no idea that there had ever been any assassination attempts on his life! RANDY That's because the press was much more interested in...well, in other things. JANET Oh, my goodness. I... I don't know what to say. I'm dumfounded. RANDY Took it in the left shoulder. It was a close call, but I'm here to tell the tale. JANET I can't believe you didn't mention that on your flyer. RANDY Do you think I should? JANET Well, you could. It depends what kind of client you're out to attract. I mean, it could possibly intimidate people, I suppose. My husband is the marketing expert. You should really ask him. RANDY Would it have intimidated you? JANET Possibly. But, now that I know that, I feel really comfortable in your protection. It makes me think... RANDY What? JANET No, it's silly. RANDY Tell me. JANET It just... well, it makes me think you might take a bullet for me. If need be, that is. And that makes me feel… safe. RANDY Good. That's good. I bet you didn't expect that to happen so fast. JANET Well, I am relieved I can tell you that for sure. But, I only sort of feel safe. It feels temporary. You know? I mean, I feel safe with you here, yes, but you eventually have to leave and go on with your life. And then what? RANDY The challenge in my job is to make you feel safe even after I'm gone. JANET If you can do that, well, I'd be eternally grateful. RANDY There's nothing I love more than a challenge. Let's get started, okay? Now, where's your television? JANET Why? Did you wanna watch TV? I think The Today Show's still on. RANDY No, no, no. Just tell me where it's located. RANDY takes notes through the following. JANET Well, we have five.
RANDY Wow. JANET One here in the kitchen. See? Another in the living room, one in the bedroom, one in the exercise room and one in my walk-in closet. I like to watch the news while I get dressed. Why? RANDY First step, Mrs. Buckley, is to get rid of all your televisions. JANET What?! You can't be serious. RANDY It's radical, I know. But, see...I also hold a Masters degree in Psychology. I did my thesis on the effect of the media on the American psyche. JANET You are so accomplished. RANDY Well, my intention wasn't to earn your admiration, but rather your trust. See, I'm not one to gloat about my accomplishments. I merely want you to trust my theories. In order to do that, you need to know that I'm an expert on the subject and not just some guy blowing smoke, you know? JANET Of course. RANDY So, I believe, as is the case with 73% of my clients, that the source of your fear …is the media. You watch a lot of news, don't you, Mrs. Buckley. JANET Well, no more than the average person. RANDY What's average? JANET Oh, I don't know. Hank turns the news on in the bedroom when he wakes up. So I wake up to the news. I get up about a half an hour after he does. Sometimes the news will make its way into my dreams. You know if they're reporting on some natural disaster or suicide bombing that happened during the night, I'll suddenly be dreaming about being trapped under a ton of rubble or something like that. Or like my dream the other night when I dreamt that I was being held hostage in a walk-in pantry of a convenience store with five other people. My husband was there, of course. I don't remember who else.
JaNET (cONT'D) But, this criminal was holding us all hostage and his gun went off by accident. The bullet ricocheted around the room and hit every single one of us. We were all dying together from fatal bullet wounds and the ambulance wouldn't come. We were just bleeding and bleeding and waiting and waiting for the ambulance. All five of us. Only one bullet. RANDY Interesting. JANET I realized later that was from a report on the White Hen Pantry massacre in Oakbrook. Did you hear about that? Five people died. But it wasn't from one bullet. That was just in my dream. Anyway. RANDY So you're extremely impacted by the news, do you see that? JANET I wouldn't say there's anything extreme about it. It's like anyone else. I am human. RANDY Do you watch the evening news? JANET Oh yes. RANDY So you wake up to the news and you go to bed with the news? JANET I'm not sure where you're going with this. I think it's important to be informed on the happenings of our world. It's our duty, in fact, as citizens. Besides, I like being current. I need to be. I'm a librarian, after all. It's my job. Forgive me, but I don't see the problem. RANDY The problem, Mrs. Buckley, is that you are being fed a strong and consistent message of fear. It's affecting your view of the world. It's affecting the way you live your life. You said it yourself, you're even afraid of the dark. JANET That was a metaphor for how I feel in general. Look, I mean no disrespect, but I didn't hire you to be my therapist, even though you do hold a degree in Psychology. I mean, I didn't even know that when I hired you. You didn't put that on your flyer either. RANDY Do you think I should? JANET That's not the point. The point is that I hired you not for your psychology expertise, but for your security expertise. RANDY Mrs. Buckley, you hired me because, and I quote: "I don't feel safe. And I don't really know what to do about it." I'm here to help you do something about it. RANDY (conT'D) The only way this will work is if you trust me. In the end, you'll thank yourself for putting your faith in me. JANET I don't know. I just thought. I thought you would help me terror-proof the house or something. You know, maybe install security cameras, and do a walk-through of the house to see where we're vulnerable to a break-in... that kind of stuff. RANDY Look. Mrs. Buckley, if I am going to promise to eradicate your fear, to make you feel safe even after I'm gone, I not only need to protect you through those various security measures, I also need to make sure you're not binging on messages intended to keep you fearful. Do you understand? JANET I think so. But, I'm just not sure... RANDY Maybe you're not really ready for this. Or maybe, maybe I'm not the right man for the job. JANET What are you saying? RANDY Well, with all due respect, I'm not just some schmuck security salesman, Mrs. Buckley. Maybe you'd be better off calling ADT and getting some run-of-the-mill technician in here to install your security cameras. RANDY picks up his duffle to leave. JANET No. Wait. I...I'm sorry. I can see I offended you. RANDY My being offended or not has nothing to do with anything. My point is simply that you wouldn't hire Frank Lloyd Wright to build your kid's doll house just like you wouldn't hire the Commander in Chief's lead secret service agent to simply install a few cameras. If that's all you want, you can see I'm not the man for the job. JANET I see. RANDY With me, Mrs. Buckley, you get the whole package. Security and psychology go hand in hand. JANET I have to say, you really know what you're doing. (Beat.) I want you to stay. I think you are the man for this job and I'm ready. I'm ready for the whole package. RANDY puts his duffle down. JANET extends her hand, after a beat, RANDY takes it. They shake. JANET What now? RANDY You wait here while I do a general walk-through of your home. I'll remove the television sets and at the same time, assess the security of your place here. JANET (takes a deep breath) Okay. What should I do? Just wait...here? Don't you want me to come? RANDY No. JANET To show you around... RANDY Not necessary. RANDY exits stage right, moving in an attempt to be stealthy. JANET stands as she was for a beat. She smoothes out her clothing, fixes her hair, and goes to the stove to check on the muffins. RANDY returns carrying a television set. He crosses to the door stage left and sets it down. JANET I see you found the bedroom set. RANDY One down, four to go. RANDY exits stage right again. JANET goes back to the table and rummages through the box. RANDY enters again carrying a larger television set and places it next to the other one. RANDY Would you, uh, mind opening the door for me? JANET Not at all. RANDY exits stage right again. JANET unlocks and opens the door. RANDY enters again with another television. This time he crosses and goes straight out the stage left door. RANDY enters through the door pushing a dolly, and crosses the stage to exit again in search of the remaining sets. He pauses as he crosses the stage to address JANET. RANDY Oh, before I forget...I noticed a newspaper out front. You gotta cancel that subscription immediately. RANDY continues pushing the dolly across the stage JANET (protesting) What?! But-- RANDY (says this as he exits- might even be off for this line) Work with me, Mrs. Buckley! After a beat, JANET struggles to lift one of the sets lying on the floor in an effort to make herself useful. RANDY enters pushing the last two sets on the dolly. She gets in his way and they almost collide. RANDY Jesus! JANET I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was just trying… RANDY (composing himself) It's okay. Thanks, but… I've got it. RANDY loads the remaining sets onto the dolly. JANET Right. I'll just… RANDY Okay. RANDY exits out the stage left door. JANET goes to the table and rummages through the box. She removes a bulletproof vest; she inspects it and then puts it on. She tries to fasten it, but struggles. As JANET struggles with the vest, RANDY returns from having loaded the sets in his truck outside. He sees JANET struggling and steps up behind her to help her. JANET (a little startled) Oh! RANDY Allow me. (RANDY finishes fastening the vest.) JANET (embarrassed) It's not really real. It's from my Halloween costume from a few years ago. I was a cop. JANET (cONT'D) I just, I thought I'd try it on for fun. You know, while I was waiting. I should probably get a real one. RANDY It looks... JANET I should take it off. RANDY (humoring her) No… it looks good. It looks real. JANET Well, I'll just leave it on for now, I guess. As a reminder. You know, for me to get a real one. Do you? Have one? RANDY Sure do. JANET Right. Of course. Um, what are you going to do with the television sets? I mean, I don't know how Hank is going to react to this. He doesn't even know you're here. RANDY writes a receipt for JANET. RANDY I'm quarantining them... temporarily. I'll hold onto them for as long as it takes for you to be cured of your excessive fear. JANET How long will that take? RANDY hands JANET the receipt. JANET takes it and looks it over. RANDY It's hard to say just yet. (A beat.) Are you okay? JANET Yes. I'm just... I was just thinking about what Hank and I will do tonight without... JANET gestures towards where the television sets sat a minute ago. RANDY You'll find something. JANET Right. I suppose we will. JANET pockets the receipt. JANET Would you like to sit down? The muffins should be ready. RANDY looks under the table, then stands, satisfied. He pulls out a chair, turns it around and sits on it backwards. JANET goes to the oven, grabs the mitt sitting on the stove and removes the muffins from the oven and places them on top of the stove to cool. RANDY eyes the box on the table. JANET I, I got some other stuff together. Gathered it from the attic, the basement... things I thought would be helpful from the garage. RANDY removes the gas mask and inspects it.
JANET (CONT'D) That's an antique. From World War I, I think. I don't know how useful it is. It may not even work anymore. But, I thought you could tell me. RANDY places the mask on the table and reaches in to remove another item. He takes out a first-aid kit, opens it up, turns it upside down- nothing falls out. It's empty.
JANET (CONT'D) I was afraid of that. Hank must have used all the supplies and not replaced them. RANDY removes a can of mace.
JANET (CONT'D) I've had that since college. Does mace expire? I wanted to ask you that. The last item RANDY removes is a gun. He looks like now they're finally getting to the good stuff. Until... JANET takes the gun from him. JANET (CONT'D It's not real, see... (She pulls the trigger and a flame comes out the end.) JANET (cONT'D) And I don't even smoke. But it does look real, doesn't it? Real enough to scare someone away. I don't like guns. I bet you have one, right? RANDY Indeed I do. JANET Wow. Can... can I see it? RANDY Oh. I meant I have a gun, but not with me. JANET (disappointed) Oh. RANDY It tends to make clients uncomfortable, so I leave it at home. JANET No, I understand. (beat) Let me get you a muffin. JANET goes to the stove, places the muffins on a plate and returns with them to the table. RANDY They smell delicious. JANET Have one before they get cold. JANET hands RANDY a muffin. His hand brushes gently against hers as he takes it from her. She blushes. He takes a bite. RANDY Mmm. Perfection! JANET, satisfied, sits and takes a bite out of a muffin. JANET You don't think they're a little dry? RANDY No. They're just right. JANET Well, they're not as moist as they should be. Anyway. RANDY takes a phone tap and recorder out of his duffle bag and hooks it up to her phone. JANET places a plate of muffins on the table and watches RANDY work. JANET What's that? RANDY Phone tap. JANET Oh, of course. Good. What's it for? RANDY It's just standard. I like to make sure that you aren't getting any suspicious phone calls. And if you are, we've got record. It's precautionary, simply precautionary. JANET Oh. I feel so much better with you here. Thank you for staying. Phone rings, JANET jumps. RANDY holds her back. The tape recorder clicks on. RANDY gives JANET the okay to answer. She checks the caller I.D. on the phone and picks up. JANET (Timidly) Hi honey. HANK (through recorder) What's that clicking sound? JANET What clicking sound, honey? I don't hear anything. It must be on your end of the line. HANK (through recorder) I don't think so-- RANDY disconnects the call. JANET What'd you do that for? RANDY Call him back. JANET Call him back? RANDY Tell him it was an accident. JANET Was it? RANDY Was what? JANET An accident. Was it an accident? Did you mean to hang up like that? RANDY It was a test. JANET A test for whom? For me? For Hank? For you? For the phone? (The phone rings again.) JANET Oh God. That's him. He's calling back. What do I do? RANDY Tell him it was an accident. JANET But… RANDY Just tell him! (Composing himself.) RANDY (cont'D) Just pick up the phone. Be calm. Act normal. Janet is frozen in place. RANDY Just do it. Janet jumps and picks up the phone. JANET Honey? (Pause.) HANK (through recorder) Janet? JANET Hi, Hank. I'm sorry, I accidentally hung up. It was my cheek. My cheek... it hit the thing. You know--that hangs up. Sorry. I'm sorry... there's a clicking sound. I'll call you when it's fixed. I love you, bye. She hangs up and collapses into a chair, relieved. RANDY Good. That was perfect. JANET Do you think so? RANDY Yes, Janet. I think so. JANET I didn't sound too nervous, because I think I sounded kind of nervous... shaky? RANDY You were perfect. JANET (Flattered) Thank you. I just... well, Hank, he... he doesn't know you're here. He'd have put a stop to it. He just... he doesn't understand. Not like you do. I mean, you've been out there! RANDY I have, indeed. Dangerous times, Mrs. Buckley, dangerous times. JANET I'm so glad you're here. (Beat.) You know, I pictured you differently. RANDY (suddenly self-conscious) You did? How... how am I different? JANET Well, no, I just... it's silly. I pictured you like, sort of, like... Clint Eastwood. RANDY Clint Eastwood? In the Line of Fire? JANET A young Clint Eastwood. It's silly. But, you're different. (Pause.) RANDY Different good or different bad? JANET Just different. Good, I think. RANDY Then thank you, I think. JANET I'm just so relieved to have someone taking me seriously. Finally. You're just what I needed, Randy. RANDY I don't mean to be presumptuous or cross any lines, Mrs. Buckley, but, I think this is relevant. JANET Go ahead. RANDY Are you, well, I just get the feeling... are you having, maybe... problems... in your marriage? JANET Oh God. I didn't think I was so transparent. RANDY You're not transparent. Don't forget, I was trained to read people. JANET Oh, right. God…of course, of course. RANDY Let me ask, how long have you known your husband? JANET About seven years, I guess. RANDY Uh huh. Okay. And how well do you think you know him? JANET I just…I don't… RANDY (cutting her off) It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. RANDY (cONT'D) It's just that I encounter this more often than you know. It's amazing how divisive fear can be. JANET nods in agreement. RANDY (coNT'D) But if you don't want to talk about it… JANET No, it's okay. I mean, you did take a bullet for our president. RANDY Exactly. JANET Okay. Well. Okay. What was the question again? RANDY How well do you think you know your husband? JANET thinks for a long beat. JANET I'd say, as well as I know the inside of my oven. RANDY Huh. Wha...what exactly does that mean? JANET It means that at first I think I know everything about him. There's nothing to wonder about, you know. I know that there are two wire racks, an interior light that turns on every time I open it and that it's self-cleaning.
JaNET (cONT'D) My point is that I know all these things, but then-- like this morning when I realized that I can only fit two muffin pans on the top rack at the same time, I find out something new. And I don't know what to think anymore. RANDY Okay. So... JANET I used to think that we had an ideal marriage, that we told each other everything, that we really got each other, you know? But I'm slowly starting to think that we might not be on the same page anymore. And this morning... I discovered something new... and I don't know what to think. So to answer your question, how well do I know my husband? The answer is, not as well as I thought. RANDY Something new? JANET looks at the plate of muffins and gets teary-eyed. JANET Mmm-hmm. JANET wipes her tears, blows her nose. RANDY What is it? JANET I've been making lemon poppy seed muffins ever since I can remember. I've made them for Hank countless times. I wouldn't make them just for myself to enjoy, you know? I mean, I try to watch my figure and muffins are not exactly the healthiest treat. They say they're as bad as donuts, you know. Do you believe that? Donuts. RANDY What did you find out? JANET Hmm? Oh, well, after all these years of making lemon poppy seed muffins for Hank, he tells me this morning that he hates them. He said that even the smell of them made him want to vomit. I couldn't believe my ears. I mean, he bought me those professional-weight muffin pans for my birthday. They're better because the steel heats evenly to ensure uniform baking. Anyway, it was like somebody else swooped in and repossessed my husband's body. I mean did he just wake up this morning and decide that he hates them? JaNET (cONT'D) Or has he hated them all the time and just never said anything? And if that's the case, what else is he lying about? I mean, what do I do? RANDY stands and goes to JANET. RANDY We're gonna do what you hired me to do, Mrs. Buckley. JANET You can call me Janet. RANDY Janet, you're not just doing this for you. You're doing this for your marriage. JANET My marriage? RANDY Think about it. You're fearful all the time. You never feel safe. Not even in your husband's arms? JANET shakes her head. RANDY Think for a moment how that must make your husband feel. Inadequate, perhaps? JANET I never thought of that. RANDY Well, I'm just taking a stab at it. But men, Janet, like to be able to protect their women. They like to make them feel safe. It makes them feel needed and powerful. JANET And no matter what Hank does, I don't feel safe. RANDY That's right. Think about it in female terms. How would you feel if no matter what you did, Hank never showed interest? What if you were to put on your sexiest piece of lingerie just to have Hank ignore you? JANET (blushing) You think that's the same thing? RANDY nods. JANET puts her hand to her mouth. JANET No wonder. He probably resents me. It's been going on for so long. And he tries so hard. We moved here because I was frightened living in the city without a gate or a neighborhood watch. Hank didn't even want to move, but he wanted to make me feel safe. RANDY pats JANET'S hand. RANDY It's okay. It'll all be better now. JANET looks up at him and meets his eyes. They lock. The phone rings. They jump. JANET rushes to the phone and picks up. The phone tap clicks on. JANET Hello? HANK (through recorder) Janet-- JANET Oh, Hank! I love you so much. HANK (through recorder) I... love you too. Listen I'm just calling-- JANET I know you just want to protect me. I understand that now. HANK (through recorder) Okay. Hang on. JANET'S put on hold. We hear hold music through the recorder. JANET I'm on hold. RANDY Ah. JANET His job is really demanding. RANDY Naturally. The hold music continues. For a while. Until it finally stops. HANK picks up. HANK Janet, I gotta run. JANET Wait! HANK What? JANET You called me. Don't act like I'm bothering you at work, because you called me. HANK I don't have time for this, Janet. JANET I just want to know why you called. HANK I don't know. JANET You're that busy that you forgot why you called? HANK Yeah. I guess. JANET When will you be home? HANK Can't say. JANET An estimate. HANK Janet, I've gotta go. JANET Will you be home in time for Dateline? HANK I don't know. No. Probably not. JANET turns away from RANDY to try to establish some privacy. JANET (softer voice) Do you love me? HANK Yes. I love you, okay? JANET I've made you mad, haven't I? HANK No. JANET Well, I am annoying you. I can tell. HANK I'm gonna hang up in three seconds. JANET Don't go mad— HANK Three, two— JANET Hank! HANK One. Goodbye, Janet. JANET disconnects the call. She sighs. Tries to regain composure and put on her happy face for RANDY. She turns to him. JANET (overly enthusiastic) So, where were we? RANDY Are you okay? JANET Yeah, yes. I'm fine. Let's keep going. What's next? RANDY Are you ready for the next phase? JANET I'm ready. So ready. RANDY Okay. This is where we find out how easy your house is to break into. JANET All right. RANDY I'll go outside, you'll lock me out. Bolt that door up all the way. I'll then attempt to break into your home. We'll see if I manage to find a way in and how long it takes me. Okay? JANET Okay. It's like a game? RANDY Exactly. It's like a game. A security game. JANET What do I do? RANDY This is the important part. You must treat me as if I really were a burglar. I want to see how you would react in this situation and the only way I can ascertain your reaction skills is if you relate to me as a real burglar. Think you can do that? JANET I think so, yes. RANDY Ok. I'm gonna go out now. Let's do this. RANDY heads towards the door & pauses before exiting. RANDY (CONT'D) What are you going to do? JANET Lock the door behind you and then react how I would react if you were a real burglar. RANDY Excellent. Let's go. RANDY exits. JANET quickly locks the door then moves to the center of the kitchen where she stands, listening. She goes to the box on the table and pulls out the gun lighter, hears a noise and jumps, aiming her gun. Another noise from somewhere causes her to drop the "gun" in a panic. JANET takes a couple of steps backwards, and listens. The sound of glass shattering somewhere in the house causes JANET to panic again. She searches the room quickly for a weapon. She grabs the muffin tin off the stove and plasters herself against the wall by the doorway at stage right, ready to pounce on the burglar as he walks through. RANDY enters wearing a black ski mask. JANET jumps out from her hiding place w/ muffin tin at the ready. One look at RANDY as the burglar causes her to scream in terror. JaneT Oh my gosh, Randy, you scared me! RANDY walks to her and gingerly removes the muffin tin from her hands. JANET That mask is so scary. Did you make it? It looks handmade. RANDY takes JANET'S hand and gently leads her to across the kitchen to the oven. JANET Wow. I can't believe I screamed like that. I'm always having these dreams where I get attacked and I try to scream, but nothing comes out. So I was always worried I wouldn't be able to scream in real life, but I did. And it was loud, huh? RANDY pulls out a pair of handcuffs. JANET Ooh, handcuffs. Are they real? RANDY doesn't answer, but proceeds to handcuff JANET to her oven. JANET Here, let me help. Wait, should I be struggling more? I can't believe you broke a window to get in. Hank isn't gonna like that. I hope you didn't cut yourself on the glass-- RANDY slaps a piece of duct tape on JANET'S mouth, cutting her off mid-ramble. He steps back to take a look at his work. JANET clearly isn't going anywhere. RANDY removes the ski mask. RANDY Well, Janet. I'd say that you definitely have some room for improvement. Wouldn't you? Don't you move a muscle now. RANDY exits. JANET waits like an eager pupil, watching for RANDY'S return. RANDY returns carrying a pillowcase full of valuables. He crosses to the door, sets the pillowcase down. RANDY You're so predictable, Janet. It's a shame when it's not even a challenge. RANDY forcefully removes JANET'S wedding ring from her finger and puts it on his pinky. JANET reacts with fear. RANDY (whispering in her ear.) Thank you. RANDY kisses the top of JANET'S head, she protests with muffled moans. RANDY eyes the muffins on the table, picks one up and takes a bite. RANDY Delicious. He dumps the remaining muffins into his sack and heads for the door. He unlocks the door. RANDY Too many locks, Janet. He goes to leave and then stops to say one last thing. RANDY Oh, and about your fear of the dark...
RANDY The only way to eradicate your fears... (a beat) He switches off the lights, cloaking the room in darkness. RANDY ...is to face them. Sound of door opening and closing. Sound of JANET whimpering. A beat or two in the darkness. Nothing but the sound of JANET'S shallow and increasingly desperate breaths. THE END
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