It's funny, not really, the messages we receive when we are young.

"You'll never amount to anything."

"You'll never find a man who loves you. You, that ugly, despicable creature no one wanted."

"Who really cares about you, anyway?"
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i don't like going there. it's uncomfortable. a skeleton in the closet. MONSTER-US FEAR!!!

Oh, sure I tell myself "I'm lovable, I'm beautiful, and so on and so forth." But the messages haven't gone away. Somehow, they stayed there, I just kept moving forward, never changing, so fundamental. I never believed.
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"How could I possibly connect, when my self-image is at stake?"

"It's like..."

"...Walking into Hades. I don't know how I could ever enter into a relationship of rejection, despisal and dislike."

"Pain. Anger."

That is All I risk in loving a man, in loving non-spirituality, those who are unable to believe. In me.

How would my life ever be Alive? They won't live with God, live by Love, believe in Truth and Faith. How can I be safe, how can I ever connect, if I'm not arriving into the arms of God, embraced? I just want to go home. Be me, only contribute to sanctity.

So far in life, that's all I've ever been able to do. Never anything more or less? I lie dying, stripped and bleeding, to venture beyond my borders, into the pit. Into the fire.

I can't love there. I don't know how to stay me.